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The Therapy Sessions of The Absolut Jayarie
From the book entitled: "Why I Need Therapy: A Tale of Me and My Many Moments"
I realized after my first "hook-up inquiry" on the Yahoo group that there are some FREAKY people on this base. I didn't meet any of them, but was surprised when I bumped into two of them in the chow hall for dinner. One made it a point to prance in front of me (I sent my pic... I didn't wanna seem fake from the jump). Surprisingly I knew of his gayness and his e-mail to me was confirmation. Wouldn't believe what he wanted me to do to him. Ewwww, no. No thanks.

So I figured, that was enough fodder for a week of laughs, let's try it again. This time my inquiry was much more open. So we'll see what I get this time.

Daniel thinks its hilarious. I forward all the replies.

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Aretha Franklin is still in my ear bellowing out "Bridge Over Troubled Water". It's flowing through this troubled man's mind.

My level of frustration right now is off the meter. I called Eric, but he was away from his desk. When he returned my phone call, I was away from the pharmacy. I can't pinpoint where this agreession is coming from, but I think it has something to do with the lack of sleep I had today. Of course, nothing settles my soul more than a nap, but it is hard to get a nap around here. I've gone to the back to put my head on the desk, but there's too much noise. NOISE, NOISE, NOISE! The nurses and techs I hate seem to be coming much more often, possibly to harrass my nerves. I'm trying to shrug them off, but they don't learn.

My tummy hurts from lack of food. Or lack of good food.

I want to go home to California ASAP, but it don't seem like I'll be leavin' here any time soon. Or as soon as I want.

And you know, that's about all I care to write right now. *Shrugs* There's more on my mind, but I don't feel like typing it. So yeah. Peace.

I Feel : crappy crappy
Listening To: "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - Aretha Franklin

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Daniel and I just got off the phone. Can I love that kid any more than how much I love him now?! GOSH! He's turning black slowly but surely. He was talking about the problems he's having with a friend over a money order and a car. He said, "I wish a mutha fucka would come to my house." I said, "Wow... you are Certified Negro now and I love it." Can't wait to see him in February.

Mom's ok. I called her. Ira sent me an e-mail. I miss him.

Kourtney didn't work tonight. Sad. She still came and we watched a movie. We're going to eat in the morning. YEAH! I am so hungry.

I managed to stay nice all night and kept this smile on my face. It's starting to hurt now. To everything I laugh, shake it off, and keep on going. Even the nurses/techs I hate, I've swallowed my pride and been nice. Jayar... nice... can those words go in the same sentence?! Nelson would say "NO NO NO!" Alcoholic.

I miss that bastard.

Eric and I are so ready for our week of travesty in California! I am so ready!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO! Drinking. Clubbing. FUN! FUN! FUN!

I didn't even have on my brown sweater tonight. Had to shake it off. LoL


I Feel : bouncy bouncy
Listening To: "Shake It Off" - Mariah Carey

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Let the games begin! I've put up an ad on the Yahoo groups catering to guys out here. *LAUGHS* Let's see what kind of replies I get. This ought to be a lot of fun. People are so secretive until you give them bait. I don't mind being a little bait if it's gonna get me some inspiration and insight into the minds of guys out here once they've been here a few months. They'll take ANYTHING... LoL

*Sits back to watch the horny fish bite*

I Feel : content content
Listening To: "In Those Jeans" - Ginuwine

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Hungry for a bit of nostalgia after my sister's e-mail chock full of family pictures of the holiday season, I retreated to the sanctity of my iPod. I have found a huge amount of solace in Aretha Franklin's "Bridge Over Troubled Water", reminiscent of Daddy's jukebox and Christmases where we'd awaken to oldies blasting from his den. I miss my family. I miss the good times that triumphed the many bad. In particular, I miss Christmas at home. I haven't been home for a major holiday since '99 believe it or not. I must put a plan in the works for spending Christmas '06 with the wacky bunch I call my kinfolk.

Keith had me "food horny" last night as we talked about my trip home. He and I are going out for lunch or dinner as we always do when I am home, and he is taking me to a seafood restaurant in Mount Pleasant. He asked what I would probably order, which I figured would be a huge plate of shrimp and grits, and as I thought more and more about it, I realized I was drooling over the keyboard. Even now the thought of my Mama's shrimp and gravy over grits makes me wanna jump head first into a plate. Wooo, I just got shivers. Keith also explained "poppers" as I had no idea what they were although so many bottoms I know seem to have a huge stash. He explained in graphic details what it does, so I decided I would take out some stock in whatever company produces the best poppers. *Evil smile*

Some guy, after seeing my profile on Yahoo, has taken to e-mailing me daily about hooking up. Tonight I've decided to humor myself by replying with explicit details about what I'd do if I were hooking up. He has yet to reply... guess it was a bit much for him.

Daniel's back at work. I am so happy. Now I get e-mails! Yeah! I can't wait to see him in February.

Kandie said she'd have dinner with me when I come to DC. Now I only need Rommel's confirmation to lunch and my trip to DC will be set.

I feel so good today. Such a good mood.

I Feel : relaxed relaxed
Listening To: "Stairway To Heaven" - O'Jays

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The unthinkable has happened. My brother Eric has gotten himself into a relationship. Eric. In a RELATIONSHIP! This is the kid that spoke so hard AGAINST relationships that even I was forced to rethink my stance on wanting one. And the guy he's with lives FOUR hours away. FOUR HOURS! Eric, who wouldn't date someone in San Fran because the 30 minute drive was too long, is now dating someone FOUR HOURS away from him. Gawd, the wonders never cease.

So because Eric is doing it, of course I am reconsidering this whole "relationship" thing. It's typical of a Gemini to want something, get it and trash it, then want it again. We live, we learn. We touch hot pots, we burn, but we learn to use pot handles the second time around. I should do that one exercise I read in that relationship book: it said to list what I wanted, what I would consider, and what I definitely did not want. And then I could honestly look at my options, or option, and make the best decision based on that. But Geminis are so flighty. I could never be sure that what I put today would be the case tomorrow. I've settled for much worse (Quinton) and dismissed much better (Nelson).

Maybe it will just depend on who I throw the dick on. *Shrugs* Perhaps its not as serious as I want to make it out to be.

Christmas has come... and gone. YEAH! Get that out the way.

New Years last year was HORRID! GAWD, it was bad. Glad I am here. Iraq is actually BETTER than my New Year's last year.

I'm still horny. Can you believe it? This is the longest I have gone without breakin' SOMEBODY's back. Gawd... I'd probably even give up the back... wait... no... that ain't gonna happen. Cancel that. Eric gave up his, but I ain't followin' my twin THAT much. I thought about putting an ad on that Yahoo group, but Lord knows I'd cancel or stand someone up. I am not that interested in hooking up as I once was. An ad would just be a joke at best.

I bought my ticket. And Eric's. $1300. JEBUS!

Oh, and I need to find out how to get some Absinthe. I am so craving it! I might order some and have it shipped.

So yeah, that's about it. I don't have much to... oh, wait.

I am going to be nice! I know I have said that before, but this time I mean it. I am going to be so nice it's gonna kill me! NICE NICE NICE! I've been told that my attitude as of late has been mean, surly, defensive, bitchy, pushy, cold, etc. FUCK THAT! I'm gonna be an angel from now on. Last night I tried to smile for the first time in some months and it actually hurt. LOL It was like on the Grinch... how he smiles that HUGE smile. That's gonna be me.

Ok, that ends this entry...

I Feel : ecstatic ecstatic
Listening To: "King of the Dancehall" - Beenie Man

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I feel that I have a lot on my mind, but not enough energy to get it all out. Maybe I'm just afraid of the backlash.

I do have a problem with intimacy. Eric said it a few weeks ago. I believe him now. I do have a problem. I should seek help.

I bought my ticket home. Almost $900. I feel sick!

Daniel's going home for the holidays. Sucks for me; I won't have anyone to e-mail back and forth all night.

Lots of patients tonight. Great... great...

I want to say there are so many reasons why I fear intimacy, but there aren't reasons. There are EXCUSES. That's it.

I dreamt Rigo died. I was devestated. They had to carry me into the church. When I got to work, I e-mailed him. I miss him a lot more than what I'll confess to. I don't want to let him know, though; he'll just say, "Stop being so gay." Str8 boys are like that.

Why do stupid people talk so fuckin' much?

I am bored at work. I have definitely reached my peak in this deployment and slowly I am dying down. By the time I leave, I'll probably be worse than when I got here. At least I was nice back then... or nice enough.

Nelson still likes me. I knew it. Had to trick him to get it out, but it worked.

And yeah... thats that. I'm gonna go do some reading online.
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I am exhausted!

Rather, I am so bored, I am tired and sleepy. Three more hours to go. Ugh!

Last night I was in the pissiest of moods. Lemme tell you why...

John and I were making IVs listening to Justin Timberlake. A tech comes in to get an IV, then a nurse comes in to get something, so they are both behind the front desk chillin'. In comes a nurse, not even one of my favorite ones, and he walks between the nurse and the tech without saying excuse me, comes BEHIND my desk, and proceeds to turn my music off. THEN he says, "I need an insulin drip," and walks the fuck out.

He turned my shit off and walked the fuck out.

OMG... I was LIVID! I was so burned, I had to go to the chapel and pray for a minute so that I could get the strength to not go after him. TALK ABOUT RUDE!!! OMG! Even as I think about it, I am getting heated. WHY WAS I SO HEATED?!?! That was just plain disrespectful.

As I told some of the nurses and techs, everyone agreed that he had no right doing what he did regardless of how urgent his request or how loud the music was. AND IT WASN'T THAT LOUD AT ALL! I even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by trying to convince myself that perhaps he had been having a horrible night, but it was early in the evening when this happened. Lawd... Lawd... I can't even think about it right now for fear I might start cappin'.

Daniel must be busy at work tonight. We only exchanged 2 e-mails. I did get a card in the regular mail from him.

Tonight's been alright.

I am so ready to get off work. I need to go home and sleep! I am off work tonight (WOO HOO!), but I believe the good Lord wants Jayar to sleep in, maybe catch a movie, and just relax. I need to continue on that piece about Antonio. It's gotten to 14 pages rough draft. God, I had to let a lot out for that project... but it's worth it. At least to me. I dunno if I'm ready for the world to know... but maybe it's confession time. The new year is coming.

Oh yeah... fuckin' Orbitz! I go on and do a search for my ticket to DC, ATL, CHS, and back to SFO. Orbitz finds one for $471!! OMG! $471! So I'm all fuckin' happy and shit. I go to the pharmacy to get my card and everything. When I go back to Orbitz, the fuckin' ticket has gone up to $780! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! I did the search like 15 times and the price kept changing, but never did it go under $580. I WANT $471! UGH!

I bought Eric's ticket, though.

So that's all I care to report right now. 2.5 more hours to go.

I Feel : sore sore
Listening To: "Unpredictable" - Jamie Foxx

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My tummy hurts and there's no food tonight. No one volunteered to go to the DFAC to get the hospital food. I did, but they need 3 people and only had 2. *Shrugs* Maybe I'll starve.

Got a new DVD player last night AND Memories on DVD. I think Sue took my copy which was actually her copy. So now I have a new copy.

I watched it last night with Gary. I missed hanging out with him, glad I did last night. I didn't even touch him, although I was horny and wanted to fuck his brains out. Pardon my bluntness...

I have to pee real bad, but I don't feel like getting up.

I am so ready to go home. I keep repeating that in my mind.

I went to the gym today. Felt good. I needed the workout. My poor arms were DONE when I was finished. I could barely lift the key to open my door.

I didn't sleep very well, though. Perhaps that adds to my "blah" nature right now. I kept waking up. Greg was snoring. I wanted to get a pillow and put him out for good. Then there were tons of helicopters and planes. And alarms. And by the time Kourtney came to get me for dinner, I was wide awake in bed staring into the blackness...

Spaghetti for dinner. My favorite. Not the best, though, but I ate it 'cuz I was hungry.

I think a dude in the OR is cruising me. Yesterday while I was outside with the Breakfast club, he walked by with his eyes locked with mine. He kept the gaze for a LONG time... said nothing and just walked by. I should have jumped him.

I ain't jumped on a boy in a LONG time. This ain't San Fran. Can't be jumpin' on boys like the old days.


Yeah... so what else?

Uhhh... I am eating Funyuns and I swear my mouth smells like crap. Ugh! But I'm hungry.


So yeah, I'm done.

I Feel : blank blank
Listening To: "Welcome to the Love Session" - Silk

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Lisa just e-mailed me about going to Houston for the 4th of July weekend. I told her no since I will more than likely be in LA with Eric at the "family reunion". Last year we had a GREAT time, especially with Asian Eric in tow. He was hilarious, much more than we thought he would be. Never have I seen a black woman trapped inside a SKINNY Thai boy's body. When we were crossing the street in West Hollywood some car rolled up on us with its horns blaring and Eric screamed out - in true ghetto girl fashion, of course - "I know ain't no white bitch gonna do her horn at me while I'm crossing the street!" LMAO

Nelson e-mailed me that we've known each other for over a year and this is not how he would have expected things to have turned out. Indeed I thought he and I would definitely have been in a relationship by now, but after chasing him unsuccessfully for six or seven months, when he finally did decide he wanted something serious my intentions had changed. Once again it's the whole distance thing. But regardless, I love Nelson to death. I always will. *Shrugs*

Daniel and I have exchanged at least 250+ e-mails in the past month. LoL I LOVE THAT KID! Our discussion today is on underwear. I love how we can have deep discussions about religion and race relations, then spin it around and talk about undies and irrelevent things. Can't wait to see him in February! Lots of lots of fun!

I sent Kimmie $900. I love her. She needed some bucks for the holiday season. I don't know why; Leon was deployed for EIGHT months and I know he wasn't sending her anything while I was there. Now that he's back they should have a good bit of change saved up, but perhaps he didn't save aything. Dunno. Don't care. I'd do anything for Kimmie.

I AM SO READY TO GO HOME! JEBUS! Had fun. Wouldn't be upset if I was extended. But dammit, I wanna be home!

So yeah... that about sums it up. Nothing big.

As the days wind down, I'm trying not to let anything bother me. Hell, I am not giving anything more than a second of thought. After that, it's whatever. *Shugs* I have become incredibly passive. So sad, so sad...

I'm going to see Kourtney now. BYE!
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What an interesting day.

This morning I had an odd craving for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Tonight I've had two.

I love my iPod cover. It's camo. I also bought a blue and white swirl cover that glows in the dark. And I bought a JBL music station for my iPod, too. I was thinking of giving the iPod a name since I treat it like a baby. I LOVE MY iPOD! *LAUGHS* He's so cute in his lil' camo gear. My headphone covers are now green and black with a silver strip going between the colors. So hot! I LOVE MY iPOD!

I think after work I am heading to the PX to buy the 24 DVD. I'll watch that tonight while I'm off sitting in my room.

RICHARD PRYOR DIED! UGH! UGH! SAD! I am so upset. I called Kristal and we talked about it. We used to sit around all day and night watching his videos and movies and listening to his CDs. If anyone wants to ever laugh, they should listen to some of his early works. Especially him talking about his grandmother beating him. "I... told... you... put yo' hand down, PUT YO HAND DOWN... as... long... as... you... black... you... will... do... what... I... say!" GAWD! LMAO! I really looked up to him. I wish that one day I could be that bold as to go up on stage and make jokes about my life. It's definitely been a hilarious journey.


So work has been interesting, too. John came in an hour early just to do the census and to print the labels and to sit in my desk in my spot. BASTARD! I can't believe he's trying to push me out of my spot. Bastard! Heidi said to me, "Why worry, Jayar... everybody knows you do at least 75-80% of the work in that pharmacy... you ARE the heart of that place... he's an artery... let him continue to try to be a heart and sooner or later he'll wear himself out... just be there to clean up his mess." She also told me how the nurses have complained about him and how they like me. She said they discuss techs... as we discuss nurses and docs... and that I'm one of the ones that people don't have a problem with. GO ME! GO ME! But it sucks being on the sidelines and not in the game as I usually am. Oh well, I will treat this as a vacation and just chill out.

I am so ready to get out of work. TIME TO GO! I need to get my blender from Gary, go to the PX, hit the gym, and then SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP! THANK YA JESUS!


I Feel : exhausted exhausted
Listening To: "Burn" - Usher

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I updated my journal. I'm content for another few months. I may change some colors and titles in the next few days.

I got a haircut today as well. I don't know if I will go back to that shop, though. When I walked in, the barbers were sitting around chatting amongst themselves. I went to sit down seeing as there wasn't anyone waiting, but the barber pointed for me to take a ticket. Once I took the ticket, I went to sit again and he called me over to his seat. So why the hell did I have to get a ticket if he was going to sit me in his chair?! He says, "You're a familiar customer here" and I nod. Then he says, "Do you ever go to the shop on the other side of base?" I tell him that I don't because I like his particular shop. He says, "You should try them. The barbers there are great" as if to say I should go over there instead of coming there. *Laughs* Perhaps I am looking too deep into it (a horrible trait of mine), but I don't know what else to make of him telling me that I should consider another barber for my next cut. Granted I go once a week. I'm just trying to stay so fresh and so clean. I can not embrace ubersexuality one week and then go back to being a scrubby guy the next, right? These days I can't walk past a mirror without checking my face for blemishes and marks! Gotta keep the skin moisturized and silky smooth! LoL Oh Gawd, I'm becoming self-aware!

I didn't buy Eric's plane ticket last night. I don't know the exact date I will be back in San Fran. I don't want him to be there for three or more days without me and we be left with barely a week to hang out. Supposedly we will find out in the next few days when we'll be leaving Qatar, but then that is still not a definite date on arrival back in California. I don't mind Eric being there for a day or so; in fact, I'd love for him to be the person that greets me when I return to the states. But I will hold off on his ticket's purchase until I am a little more confident about the dates.

Then a thought struck me: perhaps I should also consider buying Daniel a ticket to California. Granted we have not known each other long, but I don't think he will ever be able to know the appreciation I have for him and his daily e-mails. Being out here, it's nice to check your mailbox and see a letter from a friend every day. And our conversations run such a wide range: families, personal issues, sex, relationships, race, school, jobs, etc. Occasionally we get into odd topics (ask him about keegel exercises!). I'm just happy that I have someone that perhaps looks forward to my daily e-mails as much as I look forward to his. Plus I know he's been financially strapped and is watching every nickel and dime he gets. I still believe a weekend in California would be a great "present" for him. I'm heading to DC in February to visit Granny (and possibly Kandie and Rommel), so perhaps I shall hold off on his ticket as well and add an extra day or two to hang out with him. I don't know how he will react to being offered the trip, though. Some people take offense to being offered things because it makes them feel as though they aren't able to provide for themselves. But this is just to show him that he's a good friend and I hold him in high regard. Plus I wanna see if he can truly back up his acceptance of my "24-Hour Party Marathon" challenge! *Grins* He dunno how I roll, huh? *Sings*...mixed with 151, 1 flip'll make a n**** flip!" CHATTAH!

I wish Raymond and I were still close friends. I'd like him to know that Kourtney can't get enough of "HE NOT THAT DUMB!"

Gary sent me an e-mail about Conflict Resolution. Good information. I shall pass it on to my friends and perhaps even post it here.

I gotta pee... see ya!

I Feel : content content
Listening To: "S.A.N.T.A.N.A." - Juelz Santana

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I have to buy Eric's plane ticket. Wait... I'll do that now as I update. *SMILE*

I slept most of the day. WOOO! I awoke and felt like I was twenty years younger (which would make me four). I took a LONG shower (it was long, trust me) and then I came to the hospital to find Kourtney and grab a bite to eat. Had some chicken and Kourtney and I laughed it up over crazy shit we've said in our lifetimes.

"CHATTAH" has won. Followed by "HE'S NOT THAT DUMB!" (Raymond would understand... LoL)


We played Uno for a while. I took some random pics. Now I'm heading to the PX for no apparent reason but to hang out and lolligag.

And Daniel's having fun at his Christmas party. Hope he takes tons of pics. Yesterdays e-mails revolved around goals for 2006. I will update on that later.

So thats all thats going on in my world as of late. Lemme go... Kourtney just walked by and gave me a funny look. PEACE!

I Feel : hyper hyper
Listening To: "Rubber Band Man" - T.I.

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I had last night off, which was great. I needed the vacation, especially after that travesty that took place Friday morning when we got off. The narcotics count was off. When I tried to explain what I felt had knocked the count off, I was ignored and pushed to the side. Thirty minutes later when it was discovered that I knew what I was talking about from the beginning, no one apologized. Another narcotic was off and yours truly figured out what was wrong with THAT and even "found" the narcotics sitting (unsigned for) on one of the ICUs. Before I found it, however, my inventory-taking was criticized and I was basically called a liar for initialing early in the shift without counting. I knew I had counted correctly, so I was pissed off. When I figured out what had happened and it was discovered that someone else's incompetency had led to an incorrect count, then suddenly all the questioning stopped. I left work without saying anything to anyone.

I had a good sleep, too. I was curled up on that cheap mattress like a fetus. I had to be birthed out of bed.

I came to work to discover that the BX pharmacy had sent me another box. I don't even work at the BX pharmacy; I'm an inpatient kid. For them to show concern for me, and send me two boxes, has made me question my inpatient associates. They have sent me one box - which I also discovered last night had not come from solely Shentelle, but from everyone. BX sent me a card with everyone's signature. How fucked up is that? The people I work with don't send me shit, but people I don't talk much to have sent me two boxes. Wow.

Kourtney and I went to the PX today. She ordered a gold chain for Haitham. I saw a Rolex I liked, but didn't buy it. It's not that important to have a Rolex in the desert. This Timex will work for now.

I'm at work now and it's been going alright. I haven't said anything to John yet; I doubt he knows he's on my SHIT LIST.

So yeah, thus is life. I'm gonna go watch some Family Guy or something until we get some orders.

I Feel : chipper chipper
Listening To: "Bang It" - Frontline

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I decided to call my mother about Kandie's cold e-mail to me. Of course, Mommie was defensive. I feel that my mother has issues with me telling Kandie certain things, especially concerning me and my wild ways. Mommie feels - and I'm just guessing - that perhaps it looks bad on her as a mother that her child "wild'd out" when he got to California. Our family is simply a group of people who miscommunicate with every line or phrase we speak. All our issues seem to revolve around the he-said, she-said. After talking to Mommie about it for a minute and realizing I wasn't getting anywhere, I hung up. Kandie wasn't home, but I left her a message. I will e-mail her again. Nothing mean or negative... I just want her to talk to me.

Eric's in Manchester this weekend with a cutie he met on MySpace. I give the cutie thumbs up AND a 8.5 - 9 on a scale of 10. GO ERIC!

I decorated the pharmacy hallway for Christmas. There's a holiday contest and the best decorated ward, clinic, ICU, or support element gets a pizza party. Too bad I'm not a big fan of Middle Eastern Pizza Huts... tastes like goat or camel. I think there are individual prizes as well. *Shrugs*

Kourtney spends WAY too much time with Haitham. Every time I go to the ward to find her, she's gone. She should definitely be more careful. If someone in charge suddenly appears at night looking for her... it's gonna be a BAD day for her and Haitham.

While at the salon I heard a song I liked the beat to. Took me a hot minute to find it - it's from an early 90's Danish group called "Michael Learns To Rock" which baffles me as it's clearly a pop song - but it's called "Romantic Balcony" (which also is an odd name for a song as they only mention the balcony ONCE). After downloading (LEGALLY!) and listening to it, the song is rather creepy. It's about a soldier dying in battle and him wanting to go back to his girlfriend and blah blah blah. Just creepy because I am here during war. But there's nobody I'd want my spirit to travel to. Nah... when its done, I want it to be DONE! LoL

So that is it.

Listening To: "My Apology" - Floetry

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