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Session 0406-2247: This Needs No Title... - The Therapy Sessions of The Absolut Jayarie
From the book entitled: "Why I Need Therapy: A Tale of Me and My Many Moments"
Session 0406-2247: This Needs No Title...
I am going to try to use this entry to update my journal as much as possible. I have become rather complacent (again) with my writing and that bothers me. On a journey to self-realization and betterment (is that a word?), I am going to once again try to write more of my thoughts and feelings into my journal.

So let's begin.

I am very hurt by Grandmama's death. I miss her a lot and find myself crying probably once or twice a week over her memory. I downloaded a version of her favorite song, "It Is Well With My Soul", and I could hear her singing the lead as she always did at church. This version, however, is sung by a male who sounds a lot like Keith, the gay guy who sang lead for the young adult choir at my church, so the song reminds me a lot of being home. When I hear it I do tear up a bit thinking about her and how much I miss her. I don't know if I will ever get over her death.

My family at home is ok for the most part. Kristal and I have talked a little about Grandmama. Kristal is more hurt than I am, so I feel for her. Ira, on the other hand, has moved on with his life. I am sure he is hurt, but he doesn't show it as much. I don't care too much about Aunt Patty and Uncle Tippy because I feel they added to my Grandmother's sorrow in her final days (Patty being crazy and Tippy not coming to see her while she was sick). But I am sure Grandmama has peace, so I will let them slide. As I told Quanna today, as long as I know my Grandmother's soul is at rest, I couldn't care less about my family's foolishness.

Nathan, the guy I met in the club, never returned my call. I saw him again, but nothing was said between us. Jason and I hung out once at his job, then a few nights ago I crashed at his place (in his bed). Surprisingly nothing happened between us which only furthers my thinking that I am growing past the sex-equals-friendship/love mindset and moving into a more mature mindset. Tim and I have hung out a goo dbit as well and although he's straight, I still think he may be plotting on this ass which I am definitely not having. I watch myself around him with the things he says and the touchy-feely nature of his affection towards me. Ronald and I have gotten incredibly close as he's confessed his utter unhappiness with his wife. I feel for him; the other day we talked for a good two hours about how life sucks. But I made sure he knew that I was no longer going to be a guest at his pity party. I am trying to get my shit together and I need not make myself feel worse by chastising myself over my past. But I love Ronald regardless. I would do anything for him (read... ANYTHING).

Ok, so Domingo (Asian Eric's twin brother) and I have begun talking and realized some shocking truths. First, we both have had crushes on each other since a year ago but were too shy to speak to the other. Two, we have the same ideas about relationships and what makes one work and fail. Three, we get along very well and have a very open and candid communication between us. And four, we like each other a lot. (Speaking of, he just text messaged me to hang out tonight) Last night we hung out and got to know each other more. I was on cloud nine all day. The "old" side of me is being cautious and trying to make things seem like it's not as serious as it is, but the "new" side of me is saying "Throw away the black book... this one is a keeper! Fuck what you heard or believe, nigga! This is the real deal here." So we shall see.

I am broke still, but I am slowly making some serious financial decisions. I am also being lazy about it, so it's a struggle. I am doing somethings tomorrow to free up some money in my monthly budget. And I am seriously considering selling that car to get something a little more inexpensive. I want to get rid of my DVDs and possibly donate some clothes to Goodwill. The things I have are all temporary fixes to serious unhappiness and I am tired of patching up problems instead of fixing them. It has been a struggle, no doubt, because I am still stuck in a lot of my old mindsets. But I am trying, Lord knows I am.

I have six more shifts to work. I can not wait until they are done. I absolutely hate Shentelle with a passion now and I refuse to talk to her unless it is work related. I don't even know if I want us to have a friendship anymore because she's no better than what she thinks she is. She's still a nasty slut. She still does silly ass triflin' things. Dumb ass. And she doesn't work at all. I don't see how the fuck she keeps a job on the outside if she doesn't do anything for the military. I am tired of doing everything for her. I feel sorry for Mark because I know he had to do everything while I was off. Poor lil' white bastard. I love Mark, though. I wish I could fuck him. Oh wait, sorry... random.

And that is all I care to put. I am tired now and Domingo wants me to come to the city. I think I am going to go to bed. I am tired and I want to be up early to do all I need to do. So I'm gonna tell him no for tonight. But damn... I do wanna see him. LoL Wow. Jayar... wow.

Current Location: Vallejo, California in my HOUSE!
I Feel : amused amused
Listening To: Silence... but the window is open.

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