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The Therapy Sessions of The Absolut Jayarie
From the book entitled: "Why I Need Therapy: A Tale of Me and My Many Moments"
These things...

My poor Mama. My father. Kristal and my neices. My friends. My enemies. School/work... work/school. More than I can chew? Not enough? Sleep. Home. Move? When? Pay rate. Taxes. Bills, bills, bills. Banks. Am I better? Am I worse? Daniel... Missed. Davey. Tim: where? Eric, Raymond, Morgan. Ehhh. Friendships. What are they? Where are they? Who's good? Who's bad? Adam B. & Torreon. Rochelle and Jake. Happy? Frustrated. Disappointed. Mac, Jeffrey. Who? What? How? Michael M: why? Divorced. Valentine's Day. Who cares? I do. Doctor, dentist. Pharmacist? Writer? School. Econ... unsure. Who is writing? Who is this? Shama does not equal a home. CL, AA, MS, FB, X-X-X-X. Yahoo/AIM. Why? SprintPCS. Bad phone. UGH! iPhone. iPod. Computer. Money. Lotto. Dreams. Food. I am hungry. New jacket, new shoes, new jeans, braces. Braces! $5700. Where?? Derek: so sad, so sad. Andrew. Phase. Over. Jared... BAM! Basil. Aidan = my baby boy. Sonja & Isabelle. Hope she likes me. Adam Q: *sigh*. Adam E. Tim, again... ugh! Davey, again... ugh! Park. Too much P.A.R.K., not enough D.R.I.V.E! Tattoo. More. Whole arm this time. Grandmama. Marianna. Granddaddy. Kimmy and Veronica... Sunday? Iraq. Military. Rescue, rescue, SAVE! Savior. Lord. Church. Home. I want to go home. I want a HOME. Roommates? Credit. Breathe. Breathe. Alice and Cher. Work. Michael M: should I? Canopy. UC. Writer. AGAIN! Hand, teeth, eyes. Black, black. BLACK. Asians. White boys. Italian. French. STOP! STOP! Couples, couples, couples. Singular. Bar, Jet, Bartender. Angry, no. Me, myself, I. Heart. 2-weeks. Cycle. Continues.

*Deep breath*

Off my chest. For now.
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My new iPod Classic is giving me headaches! First it decided to just die, then it stopped connecting properly to my computer. Now it's not copying songs as I want it to. And to top it all off, my headphones snapped last night on my way home through the rain. Woe is me!

Tim called the night before last, perhaps by accident, although it was strange because we haven't spoken in almost three weeks. I could only hear him partying in the back - it was his birthday - and I heard him randomly mumble about "his ex boyfriend's number" to which I just hung up. I called back a few times just to make sure it was a mistake and he wasn't actually trying to talk to me, then I texted him and basically said: I don't think you meant to call me. He didn't respond and by the next morning, I felt like such an ass for even trying. Mind you, I told this boy that I would uproot my life and move to Chicago if he wanted me to just because I loved him that much, but he didn't respond to it. *Shrugs* I can't believe I made such a desperate plea to keep him in my life and he totally "shitted" on it. Oh well.

Rochelle, Jake, and I went out Friday night (in the rain) and had such a fuckin' blast! Seriously! I can't believe I had such fun. Usually when I'm with [EDIT]. It was good to go out with people who weren't looking for anything in the club, just enjoying each other's company. We drank (way too much) and danced and just acted like good friends. People were checking us out; I believe it was because we weren't all on anyone else. It was just us. Good times... good times.

Work is work. I'm seriously considering quitting. My final decision will hinge upon Tuesday's mandatory meeting and Canopy's offer. If Canopy can give me a raise and a set schedule about UC, then I'm cool off UC!

Why am I suddenly into "What A Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers?!

Oh, and a brotha's tax return looks YUMMY! Too bad I have bills to pay off first. *SIGH* Oh well.

And that's that. No words exchanged across the ocean yet. *SHRUGS* Even Davey's starting to look more like an internet acquaintance than a true friend.

And I want a new tattoo. Maybe in two weeks.

PEACE!

I Feel : accomplished accomplished
Listening To: "What A Fool Believes" - The Doobie Brothers

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After having stumbled upon LiveJournal again during a very dull night of work, an interesting thought struck my mind. While browsing - and ultimately talking to - a user who happened to know my brother and UK friends, I realized (through this user, of course) that no one (except him) knew of my LiveJournal account. No one who is currently playing a major role in the screen play that is my life, I should say. So that has suddenly, and perhaps helpfully, opened the door for me to once again begin using this medium to expel the thoughts and emotions I tend to build up on a daily basis and even more so, maybe God will grant me the serenity and peace and understanding of telling my story and removing myself from those situations/feelings. But alas, this is just the first entry (of many, I believe) and with that, I should begin with updates.

However, these updates are going to be blunt and perhaps explicit. Like a writer once said, "Sometimes the best writing is when you cut yourself and bleed all over the paper."

1.) WORK: Let's go ahead and get this out the way. I love what I do. I don't like where I work. I think UCSF is perhaps the worst pharmacy department in the nation although the hospital is the number 7th in the US. Never have I seen such discord and disarray in my 26 years of living and my six years of pharmacy work. The new director is a total bitch - and perhaps even "bitch" is not a strong enough word to convey my feelings for the stark, dank, and dull woman that is Lynn - and she seems to have failed, or greatly forgotten, any signs of a social skills teaching. A good 1/3 of the staff has quit and it seems that every day someone else is considering going elsewhere. Even I, still in my 6-months probation period, have dabbled with the idea of a new career move. To top it all off, the union and the UC execs are NOT agreeing on our new contract which expired at the end of last year, so I am officially working without a contract and for wages that are 26% lower than other pharmacy personnel make in this area. 26%! So yeah, the question is not why don't I leave, it's actually WHEN will I leave? I am not sure; I want to give them a fair fight and see if things will improve. But with school now burdening 50% of my time, perhaps I should look to a place where there's less drama, more money, and a safer career.

2.) School began... Monday. I have Econ, then Psych, then English, then Creative Writing. With the exception of English, I have taken these classes last year with the same professors. It's funny; I already know everything. It sucks that I had to drop out of school last semester while I was doing so great, but this perhaps can help me in a way. I should be able to really coast my way through the next few months up until the point where I had to withdraw. THEN I'll devote time to studying and whatnot. But really, with the MGIB at $1100 a month, I would repeat these classes 20 million times.

3.) The money is still funny, but I laugh with it now. HAHA! That's a good way to describe my financial situation. Still working on a budget and a 6-month financial plan, but I'm in it to win it, so my fingers are crossed. I started filing my taxes and it looks right nice (as it usually does). Might just use it all to move into a new place.

4.) I am ready to move. I have outgrown this place. I said when I moved in that I would give it 6 months. February makes it 6 months. February makes it TOO LONG!

5.) After I read Ray's journal, I thought about Eric and Raymond (and ultimately Kourtney and Morgan). I realized that, sadly enough, I am cool off of them. Seriously. And yeah, Eric's my brother and whatnot, but it is what it is. Since he left, our friendship has been rocky at best and his little Pride trip can't change how he treated me in '07. Lest we forget the angry voicemail in January when I was at my lowest?! Raymond, on the other hand, has spoken not a word to me since he returned to the UK from where ever he was. *SHRUGS* The truth is: once they moved, I was a fool to believe that our friendships could withstand the distance. We ain't brotha-brotha; we ain't freezy! We're like associates. And I'm not even speaking on Kourtney and Morgan; those are bit players. I'm cool enough with Morgan, but I'm leavin' that alone. When he moves to Cali, I might hop down to San Diego to say "wassup", but I'm not holding my breath. When Raymond was gone, I used to talk to him almost every day about some deep ass shit; now that his boogina has returned home, he actin' brand new. *Shakes head* It's all good. I have nothin' but love for the UK peeps, but I'm cool off them until they act right. Maybe I'll heat the friendships back up. Until then... it's whatever.

6.) Tim and I are officially through. I miss that muh'fucka, but he on some brand new shit and I just don't have time for the games. Treat an anthill like an anthill and a mountain like a mountain. Treat a long-distance relationship like what the fuck it is! Telephones will NEVER be able to fully convey feelings and emotions, so I'm not fuckin' with that shit. We argued over BULLSHIT every fuckin' day! I love him and I think he and I would make a GREAT couple. BUT, not a long-distance couple. That's just the facts, son.

7.) I have a god son. Aidan. So cute.

8.) My family is whatever. My brother Ira is still a waste of space (sorry, Jesus). Never have I seen someone with so much talent and potential just end up as a big ass nobody. Doin' nothin'. Just sittin' around doin' nada. Smokin' weed. This is the nigga that my parents sacrificed for so he could get his degree while my sister and I STRUGGLED for ourselves. My mama FINALLY admitted that yeah, she gave Ira everything and look what it got him. NO WHERE. Now he sittin' around with a degree doin' nothing while I work full-time AND go to school full-time. Stupid ass nigga.

9.) I fuckin' hate Sprint. I should use my tax return to get a new phone service and phone. I'm all salivating over them iPhones. HAHA! Ya know!

10.) I am fuckin' horny! (but really, when am I NOT?!)

11.) Oh, I gotta devote a whole new blog to the boys in my life (the ones here). Salman, Dwight, Albert... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOT FIRE!

THE KING'S BACK, Y'ALL!

Current Location: San Francisco, CA
I Feel : accomplished accomplished
Listening To: "Cloud 9" - Rashaan Patterson

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I should know better, right? Yet, I can't stop talking to him and laughing with him. Whenever I want to hang up the phone, to yell at him for telling me he has feelings for my brother, I can't put the phone down. Ever second I am running to my phone, hoping he has called. He calls me twice a day... sometimes three and four times. And we talk on the phone for hours and hours. He doesn't like me like that, though.
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First off, one should never fall in love with his twin brother's ex-boyfriend. That is usually a no-no. Even though they have broken up, Davey has remote feelings still for Eric. And with me having feelings for Davey, it is a confusing situation (to say the least). Eric, on the other hand, has no interest in being with Davey at all (except, maybe, for sex). Davey and I have been friends for a while. Even when I told Eric I liked him, Eric was very passive and nonchalant; there's only one guy the two of us would fight over and in reality, neither one of us will get that guy. But it's odd (to me, at least): Davey and I talk on the phone (internationally, as he's from England) at least two-three hours per day, and on the computer most of the day, and whenever he is going through something, I am usually the first one he tells. All this communication has just confused me to no end. I want Davey. Of all the boys in my life now, I want Davey. It's that simple, yet that hard! And to add to the turmoil, I suddenly have little interest in talking to my brother. *Shrugs* He called last night - after Davey confessed he still had feelings for Eric - and I just watched the phone ring until it went to voicemail.

Today is my first day at work. I am excited. I am nervous. I can't wait to start working again. I hope everyone there likes me. Mama raised a good boy.

I have NO MONEY!

And that's all I care to write today.
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I spoke with Andrew on the phone and of course I got no where. He is still adament about wanting us to remain "just friends" but the hesitation in his voice makes me think otherwise. I am obviously hurt because for the first time since '04, I was serious about wanting to date someone. But now there is not much more to do than to lick my wounds and move on with life. It has been a hard past few days only because I haven't been working or in school, but I am sure once my daily routine picks up it will be easier to move on. I believe this won't be the last entry about Andrew, but for now perhaps it should be. I made a decision earlier today that I would invite him to the movie in the next few days. If he said "yes" or "not those days, maybe these days" to the invitation, I would continue trying to be his friend. However, if he said "no" without trying to make another date, then I would have to walk away. He said "no" and that he would get back to me, so I am walking away. I told him "Cool, whenever," and that ended that conversation. *Shrugs*

Kevin and I had lunch. I love that str8 boy.

Not much more I care to report.

Current Location: Vallejo, CA
I Feel : cold cold
Listening To: "We're Not Making Love No More" - Dru Hill

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Karma is a bitch.

Because I haven't updated this journal in a while, I'll give a brief description of Andrew and what went down.

I met Andrew on Gay.com a few weeks ago. We chatted for a while, nothing too major, exchanged MySpace addresses, and decided to keep in touch. One night I responded to one of his bulletins and we began chatting again. He invited me to Santa Rosa, I met him and his friends, and things took off from there. Within a week we were close as fuck and were spending a lot of time together talking and hanging out. I wanted to keep my birthday low-key, but he insisted on coming out and hanging with me. I was excited. Then suddenly, the day before my birthday, he just flipped the script. He said he was too busy with life to hang out with me and things were crazy. I couldn't understand it (and still don't). He went to Costa Rica for a week, then came back and things were just fucked up by then. We talked, never about what was going on, but like two people who don't really want to talk to each other usually communicate. Now Ray, Andrew's best friend Jared's boyfriend, e-mailed me with "condolences" about how he's heard what has happened and he feels horrible about it. What the fuck, man?! What the fuck?!

I wish this could all just go away. I wish that Andrew would make up his mind. Perhaps he has and I am the only one who hasn't figured it out yet.
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Now that I am on hiatus from Shentelle, she has taken to calling, texting, and e-mailing me all in an effort to try to convince me that I am in the wrong in this situation. She thinks that I am overreacting, especially given the circumstance that I overslept a few nights ago and she didn't get angry when I came to work late. But she, in her self-absorbed world, could never see the difference. Shentelle does a lot of things that are shady. When I overslept, she knew right then and there that I had made a mistake and I was on my way to work. She, on the other hand, lied to me and said she would be a little late and arrived an hour and a half late. I have let Shentelle slide with a lot of things. She disappears at work sometimes for 30-45 minutes at a time. She has come to work tired and I have let her sleep it off. And I just don't think she's a good person. I really don't. It took a while, but I seriously don't believe in my heart that she has anyone else's best interest at heart but her own. *Shrugs* Tomorrow is the last day that the two of us will work together. *Shrugs* I could care less.

Still broke, still hustling. Not enough.

Domingo and I are well on our way to gay-relationship bliss, but I am nervous. While I have taken some steps that I wouldn't normally take, I will admit that I am still holding back. The over-analytical side of me is trying to plot and plan the course, but the free-spirited side is telling me to shut the fuck up and enjoy what is in front of me. Indeed I've fucked up plenty a relationship/friendship by trying to keep it in the context I want to keep it in. So I am nervous. And anxious. And don't know what the fuck will be my next step.

And yeah, that is all I care to report right now.

Current Location: Vallejo, California
I Feel : blank blank
Listening To: Silence.

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I am going to try to use this entry to update my journal as much as possible. I have become rather complacent (again) with my writing and that bothers me. On a journey to self-realization and betterment (is that a word?), I am going to once again try to write more of my thoughts and feelings into my journal.

So let's begin.

I am very hurt by Grandmama's death. I miss her a lot and find myself crying probably once or twice a week over her memory. I downloaded a version of her favorite song, "It Is Well With My Soul", and I could hear her singing the lead as she always did at church. This version, however, is sung by a male who sounds a lot like Keith, the gay guy who sang lead for the young adult choir at my church, so the song reminds me a lot of being home. When I hear it I do tear up a bit thinking about her and how much I miss her. I don't know if I will ever get over her death.

My family at home is ok for the most part. Kristal and I have talked a little about Grandmama. Kristal is more hurt than I am, so I feel for her. Ira, on the other hand, has moved on with his life. I am sure he is hurt, but he doesn't show it as much. I don't care too much about Aunt Patty and Uncle Tippy because I feel they added to my Grandmother's sorrow in her final days (Patty being crazy and Tippy not coming to see her while she was sick). But I am sure Grandmama has peace, so I will let them slide. As I told Quanna today, as long as I know my Grandmother's soul is at rest, I couldn't care less about my family's foolishness.

Nathan, the guy I met in the club, never returned my call. I saw him again, but nothing was said between us. Jason and I hung out once at his job, then a few nights ago I crashed at his place (in his bed). Surprisingly nothing happened between us which only furthers my thinking that I am growing past the sex-equals-friendship/love mindset and moving into a more mature mindset. Tim and I have hung out a goo dbit as well and although he's straight, I still think he may be plotting on this ass which I am definitely not having. I watch myself around him with the things he says and the touchy-feely nature of his affection towards me. Ronald and I have gotten incredibly close as he's confessed his utter unhappiness with his wife. I feel for him; the other day we talked for a good two hours about how life sucks. But I made sure he knew that I was no longer going to be a guest at his pity party. I am trying to get my shit together and I need not make myself feel worse by chastising myself over my past. But I love Ronald regardless. I would do anything for him (read... ANYTHING).

Ok, so Domingo (Asian Eric's twin brother) and I have begun talking and realized some shocking truths. First, we both have had crushes on each other since a year ago but were too shy to speak to the other. Two, we have the same ideas about relationships and what makes one work and fail. Three, we get along very well and have a very open and candid communication between us. And four, we like each other a lot. (Speaking of, he just text messaged me to hang out tonight) Last night we hung out and got to know each other more. I was on cloud nine all day. The "old" side of me is being cautious and trying to make things seem like it's not as serious as it is, but the "new" side of me is saying "Throw away the black book... this one is a keeper! Fuck what you heard or believe, nigga! This is the real deal here." So we shall see.

I am broke still, but I am slowly making some serious financial decisions. I am also being lazy about it, so it's a struggle. I am doing somethings tomorrow to free up some money in my monthly budget. And I am seriously considering selling that car to get something a little more inexpensive. I want to get rid of my DVDs and possibly donate some clothes to Goodwill. The things I have are all temporary fixes to serious unhappiness and I am tired of patching up problems instead of fixing them. It has been a struggle, no doubt, because I am still stuck in a lot of my old mindsets. But I am trying, Lord knows I am.

I have six more shifts to work. I can not wait until they are done. I absolutely hate Shentelle with a passion now and I refuse to talk to her unless it is work related. I don't even know if I want us to have a friendship anymore because she's no better than what she thinks she is. She's still a nasty slut. She still does silly ass triflin' things. Dumb ass. And she doesn't work at all. I don't see how the fuck she keeps a job on the outside if she doesn't do anything for the military. I am tired of doing everything for her. I feel sorry for Mark because I know he had to do everything while I was off. Poor lil' white bastard. I love Mark, though. I wish I could fuck him. Oh wait, sorry... random.

And that is all I care to put. I am tired now and Domingo wants me to come to the city. I think I am going to go to bed. I am tired and I want to be up early to do all I need to do. So I'm gonna tell him no for tonight. But damn... I do wanna see him. LoL Wow. Jayar... wow.

Current Location: Vallejo, California in my HOUSE!
I Feel : amused amused
Listening To: Silence... but the window is open.

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I wanted to be with Rob and to see him before he left. Of course that didn't happen. And my tries at communication seemed to fall on deaf ears (or perhaps, being optimistic, my phone didn't receive his text messages as that has happened before). Kim said that, at this time in Rob's life, he may not need me pushing up on him. I wasn't trying to "push up on him", but I think I did before obsessive in my quest to make him see that I will be there for him no matter what. He probably already knows that since I drove down to the city at 10PM even though I worked in the morning JUST to see him. I text messaged him with: Rob, I will always love you. I want you to know I will be there for you no matter what. Whatever you want of me or from me, I will be or do. Be good, Kiddo. Love ya.

I met a guy in the city last night named Nathan. Very cute. I need to see him again. *SMILE*

So yeah...
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I've known that Rob was in San Francisco for a while. I was somewhat glad that I was in Charleston. Then last night he text messaged me that he wanted to see me down in the city. I had a meeting to go to in the morning so I didn't go with him to the city. Now he wants to hang out because he says he wants to talk to me about him and about us. I am confused. He says he is nervous about what he wants to say. *SHRUGS* What the fuck?!
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My Grandmother, Mary L. Clement LaRoche
This beautiful woman with the heartwarming smile is my grandmother. You can see in her bright eyes that she is full of love, joy, and hope.

My grandmother passed away last Saturday.

Surprisingly, I must admit that I have returned to California from South Carolina with a bit of happiness and contentment instead of devestation and sadness. One would think that the death of my grandmother, especially a grandmother that was there up until the end, I would be incredibly distraught.

I am not afraid because I can feel her.

At the funeral home to view her, I stood at the casket with a smirk on my face, jokingly whispering to her how expensive the last-minute flight BACK across the country was and how I knew she was smiling down on us. She looked beautiful, a smile on her peaceful face. She was in a stunning white outfit, something my Grandmama would definitely sport out to church (they nicknamed her "Ms. Glamour"). And as I stood there looking at the body of my Grandmother, less than two weeks after being home and seeing her full of life, I felt so at peace and so comfortable, almost giddy.

At her house, you can still feel her presence.

I will miss my grandmother. Even now as I think about her, my thoughts of sadness are quickly replaced with the joy she brought to not only me, but everyone around her. That smile, that laugh, those words of wisdom. That chocolate cake she brought to me the day before I left Charleston two weeks ago.

You will be missed, Mrs. Mary L. Clement LaRoche. Grandmama. Take your rest. See you in the stars, in my dreams, and ever time I look in the mirror and smile at myself. I love you.

Listening To: "Together Again" - Janet Jackson

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Due to the events of the past few weeks (or at least since my last update), I'm gonna bust one of my old school "Update of Affairs".

1. My grandmother passed away. Even as I write this, the idea that she will not be around when I return to John's Island is foreign to me. Grandmama suffered a stroke on the 19th of February and held on until the 25th (Saturday). I called her on Friday night and although in a coma, I had my mother put the phone to my grandmother's ear so that I could talk to her. My grandmother deserves a post all of her own, so I will not add more to this. Just know I miss her.

2. Angie (Lofton), a close co-worker, also passed away. She was a great woman, almost a third or fourth mother to me. I hated that she wasn't doing too well.

Ugh... my train of thought is off. I will write more later.
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What happens?
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I am stressing out.

I have a few days left before I finally Iraq. I haven't decided if I am going to rent a room, share an apartment/house, or get my own place once I return. The easiest option would be to get my own inexpensive apartment in Fairfield and be content. Renting a room in Fairfield is about the same as getting a one-bedroom apartment in a not-so-great neighborhood; the nicer apartment I want is a little over $1100/month. Granted I am paid about $1500/month to live off base and I'd be able to cover everything (including utilities) with the $1500. I wanted to save some of that money and not dip into my base pay for a savings account. 95% of the people I have questioned have said that my own place would be the best option, even the tightwads and penny-pinchers. Since I am not going to be in school this semester, I am definitely going to get a part-time job to help save money. Maybe I am looking too deep into this, but I can't help being obsessive, especially when the place I choose will be mine for the next six months. And I was at one time concerned about furnishing the place, but then I realized I'd probably only spend 25%-30% of my time there and most of that will be sleeping between jobs. *Shrugs* I was salivating over Bridgeport Ranch but the floorplan I want isn't available. Rolling Oaks is my second choice. The Summit at Paradise Valley is third.

I am going to miss my friends out here. Kourtney and I have become incredibly close. Me and Erica are close, too. Me and my new friend are cool, too. He came to my room looking for me when he thought I was off. We always joke about San Francisco and the fun we've had there. I'm getting kicked out my room on Wednesday and should be flying out by Friday. THANK YOU JESUS!

Rashaud asked me to change my travel plans, so I called Expedia. They weren't trying to hear that, so I called Delta directly. I am happy I did. Not only was I able to change to better times on my flights, I got a $196 credit for the difference in the tickets. I'm so excited to see Daniel. I've missed him today since he's out showing his parents D.C. and has the day off from work. I'm going to cancel my plans with Kandie because she's been acting funky towards my mother and I don't appreciate that. I'm going to drive to Atlanta to see Rashaud, Kirk, and possibly Harry on Thursday. I think Rashaud is going to get Ryan Lee to come out with us, which is just WAY too much temptation for me. *Wicked smile*

So that is enough, I guess. I'm going to go do some apartment searching.

I Feel : groggy groggy
Listening To: "One Call Away" - Chingy

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